It’s almost, no, it is actually funny how the weather has disrupted travel and communications around here for the last three months. People just shake their heads or roll their eyes, generally with a shrug to say, “What can you do?” A sense of humor certainly helps.

That and practice patience or in my case use the day’s lesson. It’s probably also a good idea to carry a small flashlight all the time. Last night’s power failure caught me taking a load of laundry to the wash room to run while I slept. The laundry basket is still on the floor where I dropped it to crawl over to my alter to light a candle It’s not windy now so I might have a chance of getting the clothes clean tonight.

I am never upset for the reason I think. That’s so easy to see in my and other’s reactions to power failures, road washouts and downed trees. Some people, especially those who have lived here for a while, just shrug. Others act as if the world were ending, spinning out whole potential tragedies for our amazement. If we can all react to the same events so differently, it is not the storms that we are upset with, it’s whatever we assume the storm means. For newcomers it is different and frightening. For old timers it’s just par for the course.

Yes, it’s not convenient to be without power for a while. But it was bedtime anyway. Throw a couple more blankets on the bed to compensate for the heat being out. Put some earplugs in to dull the storm noise (thank you Wendy for the idea) and sleep through it. No big deal.

A hot shower would have been nice this morning but I didn’t melt because of its absence.

Dreamweaver, the program that I do most of my production work in decided to get strange and unpredictable. After an hour of frustration, trying to get it to behave I had to totally uninstall it and re-install. The next hour was spent re-entering my preferences and setting up site directory and transfer settings.

That was probably the best use of my time as I was suffering serious caffeine withdrawal. Tracking my blood pressure carefully over the last few weeks has shown me that for the two or three hours after I have a cup of coffee, my BP increases dramatically, from borderline to real hypertension. Not good.

I’ve been cutting back gradually over the last week and doing okay but today I seemed to drop below the threshold at which real symptoms occur. I’m short tempered, have trouble concentrating and feel slightly flu-ish.

So over and over, I stopped took a deep breath and reminded myself that I’m never upset for the reason I think. That and I finally broke down and grabbed a full cuppa to get through the afternoon. I’m ready to cut the caffeine out but feel better doing so in a way that lets me still work.

The rhododendron by the front door banged on the house all last night, or so it seemed. My nervousness in wind was running at high rpms keeping me awake and making the naps I caught shallow and non restorative. But these thoughts do not mean anything.

Funny how tiredness twists things out of their normal perspective. It’s actually easy to believe that the thoughts don’t mean anything. They seem as random as the crow that Carrie caught throwing moss off of the roof of our office, capricious and perhaps even having their little jokes at our expense.

Back.

Obviously that thing has been there for, at least, weeks, probably months. Cobwebs don’t just suddenly appear.

Objects, seem diamond sharp right now. The sounds of someone driving up the street, which I typically, never notice sound extremely loud, though they really aren’t.

It’s been like this all day.

Starting with the lesson this morning and for the three times shortly after I “suddenly” remembered to repeat today’s phrase to myself, it seems as if my senses have been amped up to 12 or 13 on a scale of one to ten. I turned the truck radio off driving both to and from work because I wanted to listen to the sounds of driving, the motor’s brrrr, the sound the tires made rolling down the road, the swoosh of passing vehicles, all intense and immediate.

The lesson uses the term see, though what’s most in awareness is sound. It’s probably the same for the purposes of the Course. I’m noticing the chill air across my lips and the back of my hands right now, as well as the sound of a passing jet. Oddly, understanding doesn’t seem as important as normal. The simple awareness is compelling enough.

That set went to Dianna a few years later when the single volume paperback version came out. I wonder how she and Terry are doing?

Another Diana is the person who most comes to mind when I think of my early years with the Course. Diana Johnson was the unofficial minister to a couple dozen of us who met to share the Course. A natural connector, she and her husband Gerry hosted a Sunday morning get together in their living room. It wasn’t actually ACIM related. We came and sat down, had a few minutes of quiet, if not silence. Diana always had some lovely liturgical or meditative music gently filling the space. After that we simply shared as we felt moved to do so. It resembled a meeting of Friends as much as anything, though there weren’t the noises of children that typically accompany a Quaker meeting.

We shared. There was little advice and that mostly asked for. No body interrupted. Nobody seemed to condemn or approve. We would sit and hold a receptive space for each other. So simple. So supportive.

This was a cornerstone of my life in Salt Lake, until Diana quit her job as a bank chain V.P. to study to become a minister in name as well as in fact. I think it was in 92 that she was ordained in the Episcopal church. She was the heart of our community though and the main person who brought me into ACIM as a community member and not a hermit.

There were others, too many to mention, though Bill, who hosted the formal ACIM study group, where the informal members of Diana’s church actually studied and discussed the Course. Laurie was our hostess for the ACIM meetings but Bill was the thinker of our group. His intellectual and emotional honesty helped a lot in keeping me from becoming a “True Believer.”

Of course, there was Brian, a true believer if there ever was one. And Sue who’s organizational skills kept the Miracle Center, the formal organization that arose out of the efforts of Diana and Ruth, the unexpected outcome of which netted us almost 10K that needed to be spent in the typical non-profit way.

Bruce, ah Bruce. No way to categorize him. He led meditation retreats, in one of which I met Karen, whom I married. His heart stayed with us between his twice yearly visits.

Glade, who consciously lived the Course more thoroughly that I thought possible. Well, that’s enough. Thank you all.

The first lesson feels both familiar and new. I had an anticipation that I would somehow feel like a know-it-all and a bit blasé about the whole thing. Not so. The little bit of nervousness that the lesson mentions certainly came up.

Nothing I see means anything.

How strange to feel both strong cynicism and deep relief when I think about this. Coupled with the combination of nervousness and calm that bubbled up when I looked about me and repeated the lesson show me that this will be anything other than a rote repetition of a series of exercises that I’ve done five or six times before.

It’s also strange that I can’t remember exactly how many times I’ve done the lessons. I’ve started them several more but didn’t get past the first month. Those times were different. I began because I thought that it was a good idea, but didn’t really feel compelled, as I do now.

The first time through the lessons took almost two years. I would fall asleep reading. I would lose the books for a couple of days at a time only to “find” them again, sitting, alone, on my coffee table. That time was memorable.

So was the year I did them with Susan and Matt, as well as the time right after I moved to Port Townsend. But the other times are hazy, as if they happened to someone else or in a dream. Somehow, I don’t think this time will be like that. I’m as strongly compelled to do this as I was the first time.

Currently K and I are reading “Sacred Choices” by Christel Nani, in which the author speaks about the places in our lives where we are living from other’s expectations, which she calls “tribal beliefs.” It’s as good a term as any to describe societal expectations. She doesn’t claim that all tribal beliefs are bad for us. I would dismiss the book out of hand if she did. She does say that following those expectations that are out of alignment with what feeds us, saps energy and vitality out of our lives, enough so that living out of alignment for too long can lead to susceptibility to illness.

That makes sense. More and more evidence is coming in that stress weakens our immune systems, that happy people get fewer colds than grumpy ones. Lawrence LeShan even did a 10 year longitudinal study on people diagnosed with terminal cancer. The one reliable predictor of survivability was whether or not people actively pursued their dreams and deeply held goals. To use the term coined by Joseph Campbell, they followed their bliss.

So back to New Year’s resolutions. It is good to take time to do a personal inventory, to examine those actions that we know we should be doing but avoid, procrastinate, never quite find the time or energy with which to follow through and actually do. The trick is to sort out the resolutions that we think we should do from the ones that are personally important. Yeah, yeah, most of us should exercise more, lose weight, learn some skill or language, whatever. Worthy goals, all.

What is it that I need to do? I started Weight Watchers 2 months ago and am having good success without feeling a great deal of deprivation. Of course, I have nasty cravings, but little actual hunger. I hate the feeling that the accompany the cravings but absolutely don’t want to be at the mercy of something of that sort. Eating can temporarily make the cravings go away but won’t root them out at the source. Mindfully observing my food related urges, learning the distinction between real hunger, the munchies, and simply wanting food because I’m feeling blue just might have a chance of rooting my poor eating habits out at the source.

New Year’s resolution number one: lose weight and keep it off. That might actually work because it is currently working. Is that a cop out? Maybe, but a solid success is not a bad thing to build on.

Resolution number two: Work through the Workbook for Students lessons. This follows the previous resolution in approach. Continue with something that with which I’ve already developed some momentum. I haven’t actually started the lessons but have put a great deal of effort into getting this site up and running. I have all the content formatted and ready to load into the daily lessons. I think I’m up to almost the end of February in actually posting and have added the first three days of podcasts. Just getting the blog pre-populated with content will probably take the next two or three months. That effort should help with establishing the habit of looking at the lessons each morning.

I’ve also subscribed myself to the email version of the daily lessons so I will have a copy in my inbox both at home and at work each day. No excuses. Once I’ve figured out how to do Palm Doc chapters, I’ll load a version into my PDA, too.

This is hopefully enough incentive to carry my through the first few months that it will take to get some feedback on the site. That helps too. The last couple of times I’ve worked through the lessons, I rounded up several other people who committed to doing them with me and meeting weekly for support and discussion.

That’s a wonderful way to share and maintain commitment. This time, however, I am drawn to using a website as support and as a vehicle for drawing in fellow students of ACIM. This is definitely something that has been brewing for a while. I first got the idea almost five years ago but for one reason or another never quite got around to following through. Now that I have trapped myself by starting the project and announced my intentions to a number of people, I need to be resolute in carrying through.

Resolution number three: Get back to learning the guitar. This one won’t be as simple. I started this nine years ago and have never quite maintained the consistency for long enough to actually get comfortable playing with others. That’s the real goal, to be able to join at least one of the many informal jam groups that exist around here. The barrier to entry is actually pretty low. Show up with an instrument and don’t screw up loudly enough to disrupt others. Strumming cords is good enough. I just need to practice until I feel comfortable enough to not freeze up.

There are other areas in my life that I feel drawn to expend more time and effort but they aren’t as easily measured as the three I’m formally aiming for.

Work on my relationship. That’s a big one but how does one measure attainment? It’s something I’ve put almost two decades into, so it’s not likely that I won’t continue. We’re in couple’s counseling now and it is working. If there is a formal resolution here it is to not slip back into taking any part of life, especially our shared life for granted.

Develop greater skill as a web designer. There probably is some way to measure this but I spend a fair amount of energy and time each week focused on this. I’m just the type of person who wants to learn and improve at whatever I’m doing. Since I’m employed doing web design and since I’m excited by the work and feel drawn to continue, this is almost something I can take for granted. Almost. Taking things for granted is a dangerous way to care for one’s self. Attitudes slip. Time that should be put towards goals doesn’t. Joy fades from the endeavor.

I guess that the resolution here is to continue giving attention to those parts of my life that are working well now. NOT take the ease for granted, and practice mindfulness and gratitude for the gifts the efforts give.

As you will quickly notice, I do not have a professional’s presentation. You might even call me speaking challenged, as I spent several years in speech therapy and have to really concentrate to get the words to come out in the proper order and without a strong lisp. No matter. I am what I have available and the podcasts are getting made. What you hear is what you get.

There may even be a silver lining to the situation. Since I have no illusions about how I sound I’m okay with less than perfect recordings. I’m not going to do a lot of re-recording or editing of the lessons. The goal is to offer understandable audio versions of the lessons for the sight impaired or those who simply prefer to listen rather than read. If you can do better and are willing to donate mp3 recordings of the lessons, please contact me.

I first encountered the Course over 20 years ago at a party. The host had the old fashioned three volume set on her bookshelf. A Course in Miracles, what an intriguing title. I pulled volume 1, the Workbook for Students off the shelf and started to read the introduction.

This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum. It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time. The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.

This course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way:

Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists.

Herein lies the peace of God.

I was struck dumb. I literally couldn’t move or speak for some time. I hadn’t even finished my first beer, so was sober. Phyllis, the hostess, came over to me, removed the book from my hands and said, “Come by and talk to me tomorrow.”

Tomorrow came and she loaned me her copy to sample. It was strange, written in an old fashioned style that can be hard to pick up. Later I learned that much of the Course is in iambic pentameter like Shakespeare and “A Night Before Christmas”. But that’s beside the point. A long journey had begun for me, which was sometimes wonderful and sometimes difficult. But ACIM is part of my life now in a way I couldn’t have imagined then.

The next year when my girlfriend died, the lessons were my lifeline, offering solace that I couldn’t find elsewhere. Now, 22 years later, I return yet again to the lessons. It’s another time of transition, though thankfully not one so devastating.

Join me, if you will, for the course of a year. If you do the lessons, you will be changed. You don’t need to believe. You don’t need to do anything other than be diligent in following the simple lesson-a-day format.

I’ve participated in Course groups, led some, organized others, sat mostly silent in one for a year as I practiced the lessons. Talking about ACIM is good. But it is in the practice of the material through the lessons in the Workbook for Students that real change occurs. Changing ideas is a good first step. Changing one’s self through daily practice is where the real reward is gained.